


Drastic Measures

by BlueTeller



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: (But Only This Once), (God Forbid Fullmetal Ever Finds Out), (Not That He Will Ever Admit It 'Cause He Hates The Bastard), Edward Elric Wears A Uniform, Even Platonic Shippers Are All Crazy, Family, Fluff, Friendship, Fullmetal Alchemist's Uniform Is A National Treasure, Gen, Hints of Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang, Hostage Situations, Humor, Much To Edward's Dismay, Parental!Roy, Protective!Edward
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-28 22:57:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15059660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueTeller/pseuds/BlueTeller
Summary: Colonel Roy Mustang has been kidnapped by some crazy woman! The Fullmetal Alchemist is sent to the rescue, but just how far is Edward willing to go to save his superior officer?(Or, how writers force Parental!Roy&Ed on our poor unsuspecting characters, and how an OC represents our obsessive fandom.)





	Drastic Measures

"So what will it be, Fullmetal Alchemist?"

Edward Elric stared at the female captor, pointing a gun at Mustang's head. Four masked men were holding him down, making sure he wouldn't have a chance to escape, and four more were guarding the exit. The woman grinned at him like a predator ready to rip her prey to shreds. There was no other way. Ed took a deep breath.

"...okay. I'll do it."

Alphonse looked at him in horror.

"No, Brother!"

"Don't do it, Fullmetal!" the Colonel yelled, abandoning all subtlety for the sake of his subordinate.

Ed ignored them and stepped forward. The woman's grin widened. The Fullmetal Alchemist kneeled on the floor and picked up the cardboard box. He hesitated before opening it.

"Stop, Fullmetal, THAT'S AN ORDER!" Mustang screamed at him and tried to fight the men off, but their grip was too strong.

Edward opened the box and peeked inside, terrified as to what he was going to find.

* * *

 

_Two hours and fifteen minutes earlier…_

* * *

 

"I can't believe I'm doing this," the Flame Alchemist complained while Lieutenant Hawkeye adjusted his tie.

"Just focus on the mission, Sir."

"But, but that woman! If you can even call her _that_ ." Mustang shivered in disgust. "She reminds me of a vulture, waiting for you to drop dead so she can tear you apart. And I'm supposed to go on a _date_ with her?"

"I'm sure you had worse than that, Sir," Hawkeye replied stiffly. "You're only supposed to extract information from her about her father, nothing more."

"But a _date_ with that… _thing_ !" The Colonel grimaced, imagining it. This mission was beyond humiliating. Roy Mustang was known as a scandalous womanizer, and even if his reputation was purely a cover created to make his enemies believe he wasn't as much as a threat as he was, this was really pushing it. Vanessa Hoffman was a woman in thirties, skinny and pale, with an everlasting fake smile plastered over her face, giving her an impression of an overrated plastic doll. It wasn't just that she shared the name of one of his 'sisters' at Madam Christmas' place (who was way more attractive than the Hoffman medusa), but there was something deeply _disturbing_ about her. Roy couldn't tell what it was, but he didn't feel comfortable around this Vanessa. If he was to describe what he meant, he'd say that her mere presence could make flowers wither and paperwork amount double.

And now he had a mission to date her under a false name, to question her about her father's research. Thomas Hoffman was suspected of using alchemy in creating something called 'voice-commanded time-bombs'. They were explosives with a clock-mechanism that activated upon saying a specific command. Mustang couldn't even imagine how something like that could be achieved, but the matter sounded serious and if there was anybody who could give them information about the bombs was the only living relative of Hoffman, his daughter Vanessa.

And the Colonel was the unfortunate solider chosen to investigate the matter.

"I hope I'm not doing this for nothing," he groaned and grabbed a bouquet of roses. He definitely did _not_ want to give Vanessa roses, but it was Hawkeye who prepared them for him. Oh, how much would he give to take _her_ to a date instead of that creepy lady… Roy quickly shoved these useless thoughts aside and walked forward to the front door of an elegant apartment.

"Enjoy your date, Sir." Were his ears deceiving him or there was a note of amusement in his Lieutenant's voice?

Riza Hawkeye drove away, leaving him on Vanessa Hoffman's doorstep. Mustang sighed. There was no escaping, was there? He clicked the doorbell and waited.

A minute later, the door opened and a woman wearing a repulsively-ugly pink dress stepped out.

"Ron!" she exclaimed with that too-big-to-be-genuine smile of hers. 'Ron Torres' was Roy's cover name for the mission. Vanessa kissed him on the cheek, leaving there an unpleasant slimy feeling – Roy was convinced she made a lipstick mark on his face. He had to restrain himself from instantly cleaning it, to avoid offending her before they even headed out. But seriously, how much makeup can a woman wear? Riza never wore any and yet she looked so much better than-

Mustang forced himself to focus. If he was going to survive this, he had to stop thinking about the Lieutenant, no matter how often she mysteriously kept coming back to his mind.

"Hello, Vanessa," he put one of his most charming smiles on. "It's great to see you again."

"That's exactly what I was going to say!" Vanessa giggled like a schoolgirl. Roy almost moaned in misery. Not only was she ugly and fake, but had a horrible taste and behaved like a teenager. Could this get any worse? "Come, Ron." She grabbed his shoulder and dig her plastic fingernails in his skin. "We have to hurry or they'll cancel our reservations!"

The Colonel followed, praying he wouldn't meet anyone who would recognize him. Not only would it ruin the mission, but the wouldn't _survive_ such humiliation. Vanessa dragged him like a rag-doll into the 'Silver Moon Restaurant', a nice place for couples. Roy had been there a few times during the 'dates' with his informants. It was hard to notice passing notes with sensitive information in a place like this. He never imagined he'd have to enter the restaurant with a companion such as this one.

"So, Ron," Vanessa started, after they made their orders. "Tell me something about yourself. Where do you work at?"

"I work in vehicle registration service," he recited, trying to sound as believable as possible. Fortunately for him, he was quite a skilled actor.

"Really? That must be complicated, right Ron?"

"It's not too bad. There's a lot of paperwork to deal with, though."

"Oh, dear, dear. I'm sorry to hear that."

Did she have to respond to everything with that overly-sympathetic voice? She was treating him like a five-year-old boy. And she wasn't _that_ much older than him!

"How are your co-workers like?"

"They are great to work with," he answered honestly. He fully trusted and depended on his team. Every single one of them had a unique specialty of their own and was irreplaceable.

"Do you have any favorites? A love interest, maybe, or someone close to you like family?"

This was getting uncomfortably personal. Roy sipped his coffee, keeping a calm facade.

"Not really. How about you, Vanessa?" He swiftly changed the subject. "Speaking of family, do you have any siblings?"

"Oh, no. I've always been a single child," she giggled again. Her laughter was just as pleasant as an expired sandwich. "My mother left a while ago and now it's just me and my father."

"Your father?" he gently prompted.

"Yes, he's such a brilliant man!" Vanessa clapped her hands with excitement. "He's an alchemist, you know. And he's so talented! I bet he could do absolutely anything!"

"Is that so? Fascinating. Do you know what he's been working on lately?"

"Hmm… I think he's been working on some machines that react to human voice. Not sure how it works, exactly, but imagine if he succeeds!" She grinned at him and once again Roy was reminded just how odious her smile was. "He could change the whole world with his invention!"

She babbled some more about her father's project, but ultimately he couldn't get any more useful information about the bombs. When they finished their meals, Roy could finally escape from her company.

"Thank you for your time, Vanessa. It was really-"

"Oh, _no problem!_ " There it was again, that unsetting, fake smile. She walked with him out of the restaurant. "I had a great time. It's been a real pleasure, Roy."

"So did-" Mustang immediately stopped and looked at her. "Wait. What did you just call me?"

Vanessa's smile grew, turning into a shark-like expression.

"That's your name, isn't it? _Roy Mustang_."

Before the Colonel could respond, something hit him hard in the back of the head. The world went black.

* * *

 

"He's been **_what_ **?!" Edward Elric, the child prodigy and the youngest State Alchemist in Amestris yelled into the phone.

"Colonel Mustang's been kidnapped. We've been informed his captors are keeping him in an abandoned warehouse in the southern part of East City. You have orders to go there and rescue him immediately."

Ed couldn't believe this. Colonel Bastard got himself kidnapped?! He really was completely useless. But deep down beneath the vast ocean of irritation, Ed had to admit he was slightly worried about him. Only a little. Just a tiny bit.

"Do we know who's behind it?"

"He disappeared after investigating the case of Thomas Hoffman. He was suspected of creating dangerous weapons with alchemy. Be on high alert, Fullmetal. The Fuhrer trusts you to safely retrieve the Flame Alchemist and arrest his captors."

"Right on it," Ed sighed and hung up. Colonel getting himself kidnapped was the last thing he expected to happen. Mustang was lazy, smug and arrogant, but he's supposed to be able to defend himself, right? How did he get himself into this mess? True, Ed was captured a fair amount of times in the past, back when he was unexperienced and only starting his military career, but he was constantly working in the field, unlike Mustang.

It was strange, that of all people to save the Colonel, they decided to send him. His rank was only equivalent of a Major. Shouldn't a General be involved in the rescue mission? Or shouldn't Ed get some back-up? And where was the rest of Mustang's team while this was going on? Something was not right.

"What's wrong, Brother?" asked Alphonse, seeing Ed's thoughtful expression.

"I have a bad feeling about this, Al," Fullmetal admitted. "We have to be extra careful. If they captured Mustang, they're either highly dangerous, or the stupid Colonel was caught off guard. We can't let that happen to us."

"Right!" the younger Elric nodded and the brothers rushed to the abandoned warehouse.

* * *

 

The first thing he realized after he woke up was that his head hurt. The second was that more than one pair of hands was restraining him, keeping him close to the ground, but beside that he was uninjured. The third was that he didn't have his gloves and even if he did, he wouldn't be able to use them. And the last and the most annoying fact was that Vanessa was grinning at him, standing above him with a gun pointed at his head. Considering how awful this woman had been already, he found it hardly surprising.

"Ah, you're awake!" she said, smiling like a retarded commercial. "I'm so glad you joined us, Roy. I hope my boys didn't hit you too hard?"

Mustang quickly estimated his situation. Four buff buys were holding him, two more were standing on each of Vanessa's side, and there were two more standing next two the door. He was alone and unarmed, and there was a gun ready to shoot his brain out. The only thing remaining to do for now was stalling.

"Boys? That's interesting. Judging from the hit I got I'd think it was a little girl."

Vanessa's smile slipped. She frowned at him.

"Sexist, are we, Colonel?"

"Not at all," Hawkeye popped into Roy's mind once again. "But I know a fourteen year old kid who can throw a better punch than they can."

"Indeed you do," the grin returned. "You're talking about Fullmetal Alchemist, am I correct? You're absolute _favorite_ subordinate."

What was more unsettling than the mention of Fullmetal was the deranged excitement in her voice.

"What do you mean, my 'favorite'?" he asked, not liking her expression one bit.

"You may pretend as long as you want, Mustang, but we all know the truth." She lowered her gun and started circling around him like the vulture he compared her to earlier. "The child prodigy, whom you 'accidentally' found and got you a promotion two years ago… The brilliant alchemist, Edward Elric, with no known family beside his younger brother, who appeared out of the blue and joined the military at the age of twelve... the one you've personally sponsored... the special attention you give him… and the protection he gets from you all the time, although I'm positive he's mostly unaware of it..."

Something in Roy's stomach dropped. She didn't know, did she? It was impossible! He was always careful not to show any sort of affection towards the boy. When he met Edward for the first time three years ago, it really _was_ mostly about getting the promotion. But after that failed human transmutation, losing two limbs and Alphonse's entire body, Mustang truly thought it was the best option for Edward to join as a State Alchemist, however he didn't expect that to happen before a few years of automail rehabilitation. Even after Ed got himself into the military, Roy kept distance and made sure their relationship was purely professional – well, as professional as can be with a loud-mouthed, disrespectful teenager, that is. But over time, something changed. Roy kept the facade at all times, teasing and bickering with the boy, making fun of his height regularly, even accepting the title of 'Colonel Bastard', bestowed on him by Fullmetal and treating it like a compliment. He never let anyone know how protective he really was over his young subordinate, _his_ boy. Not anyone, not even Hawkeye or Hughes suspected it. And he didn't feel like telling them. Because, Mustang knew that not only he _couldn't_ be like a father to Fullmetal, considering how much danger it would put Ed and Al in with all the enemies the Flame Alchemist was making, but Ed would never _want him_ to be one. The wound in the boy's heart, left by Hohenheim's abandonment, had never completely healed. Edward hated the Colonel, Mustang knew that and was fine with it, but he'd hate him even more if he forcefully acted like a father-figure to him. Ed didn't need to know how much he meant to Roy, how much the soldier was reminded him of himself when he looked at him, with his hardships and guilt-ridden past, and the fierce determination to set things right.

Those things were buried deep in the Flame Alchemist's heart and had never seen daylight. And yet, Vanessa was strongly hinting at them, telling him that " _they all know the truth"…_ who's 'they'? How did 'they' found out? And how much of it was proof and how much useless suspicions?

"...tell me something, Mustang. Is it true that..." she paused and Roy mentally held his breath. "...you and Edward Elric are… biologically related?"

The Flame Alchemist stared at her blankly for a second. This was not the question he was expecting.

" _What?_ "

"Come on, admit it! You're Edwards father, aren't you!"

"Where the hell would you get that idea?" he asked incredulously. And here he was, worried she was onto one of his biggest secrets. He didn't know if laughter or a facepalm was more appropriate.

"Isn't it obvious? Maybe he doesn't look much like you, but he clearly inherited your talent."

"He looks _nothing_ like me. Don't you know _anything_ about genetics? I have black hair, Fullmetal's a blond! Not to mention I'm a lot taller than that midget."

"That isn't a problem. If any of your parents had blond hair and his mother did as well, it's perfectly possible for your son to have light hair."

" _He isn't my son!_ "

"Denial, denial!" Vanessa sang, amused.

"This is ridiculous. We're not related at all!" Roy said with exasperation. "I'm not even thirty yet, I'm not old enough to be a father of a teenager!"

The cursed woman grinned at him evilly.

"Well well, somebody's been naughty in his adolescence, hasn't he?"

Mustang inwardly fumed, but he put on a calm expression. There was no use of arguing with this woman. Vanessa wasn't even listening to him. He could care less about her crazy stories, she had no evidence.

"Tell me why I'm here," he demanded. "Why did you kidnap me? And how did you know who I was?"

"Oh, Roy, that's simple!" she said with a sickeningly-sweet tone. "I've known who you were for quite some time. I was dying for a chance to finally talk to you! And then you showed up on my doorstep, asking me out! What a gentleman you are!" She giggled. "Of course I know you were only interested in my father's research, but nevertheless, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I didn't even had to look for you."

"So, you know about his research..."

"Of course I do. Do I look dumb to you, Roy?" she smirked with superiority. The Colonel decided he better not answer that question. "I bet you still want to hear more about it."

"I would be delighted," he said nonchalantly.

"You see, my father's time-bombs are very special. All you need to say is one phrase – one ordinary phrase, nothing suspicious – and they activate. You wouldn't even know it. They're very hard to notice, too. As a matter of fact, one of those bombs could be right here, in this room."

Suddenly Mustang's blood turned cold in his veins.

"All I need to do is say one phrase, and our charming little meeting will be over," Vanessa clarified, putting her gun closer to his head. "Everyone here knows the code to activate such bomb, but only I know what to say in order to deactivate it. Just an insurance you won't try anything… dangerous."

"What a brilliant plan," Mustang scoffed. "Except you could all die here with me."

"I'm not afraid of the bomb," she laughed. "I don't care what happens to me. I've been waiting too long for this chance to let something as minor as this stand in my way."

"Minor?" Roy repeated. "I could say the activation code by mistake and not realize it! Are you not _at least_ a little concerned about your safety?"

"Like I said, I won't let something so minor stand in my way."

He started to realize this woman was not only unpleasant and disgusting, but utterly insane.

"What exactly do you want from me, miss Hoffman?"

"I want the truth," she purred. "I want to know the truth about you and Fullmetal Alchemist."

Roy rolled his eyes.

"That's awfully specific."

"Here's the deal, Flame Alchemist. You tell us about you relationship with the Hero of the People, and then we let you go like nothing happened. Deal?"

Mustang glared at her with defiance. Even with a weapon pointed at him, he was not afraid. Although she might have been crazy enough to let herself be killed for her ridiculous goal, she wouldn't shoot him, because that would mean she lost. He was safe from the gun, at least for now.

Vanessa pondered for a moment, when one of her henchmen suddenly came in from outside and exclaimed:

"They're here!"

"Ah, perfect timing!" she placed the gun on Mustang's temple, looking expectantly at the door.

Just a quick moment later, two figures bursted through the door: a tall menacing suit of armor and a short blond-haired and golden-eyed boy in a red flamboyant coat.

"Colonel!" Al gasped, seeing the restrained man. He scrutinized the female captor carefully. Something about her was vaguely familiar...

Ed didn't waste time. He clapped his hands and an eery sound rang though the air. His right automail hand transformed into a blade.

"I give you bastards three seconds to let Mustang go!" he said angrily, pointing his weapon at the woman with the gun.

Vanessa grinned at him with delight.

"Edward Elric, what on honor to have you here!" she said with polite enthusiasm, showing no indication that she was afraid of him or his alchemy.

"Fullmetal, calm down," Roy ordered, and Ed froze. He didn't want his subordinate to cause trouble. Vanessa was crazy and prepared to blow up the building, with everyone inside. They had to find a way to get out of here without violence.

"Colonel?" Ed looked at him, puzzled.

"Are you alright, sir?" Al asked with worry.

"I'm perfectly fine, Alphonse, just got a little headache."

"What the hell were you thinking, getting yourself kidnapped!" Edward shouted suddenly, like he had forgotten they were still other people in the room. "This was supposed to be mine and Al's day off! We wasted an evening looking around the city trying to find you!"

Normally Mustang would make a comment about 'making _a little_ effort', or tease Ed 'how sweet it was that the pipsqueak worried about him', but with Vanessa drinking up their every word like a thirsty leech, he decided it would be not the wisest course of action at the moment. Instead he said:

"Could you explain why you're even here? Why were you looking for me on your own? The team should handle my rescue mission, not just you two!"

"I have no freaking clue, those were my orders!"

Mustang frowned. Fullmetal got orders to rescue him? That wasn't right. His eyes widened in understanding and he looked at Vanessa.

"I see you caught on," she said, smirking. "You see, I personally arranged this meeting and made sure nobody gets in the way."

"You mean..." Al's fists clenched nervously.

"Yes. It's just you three, me and my friends here. Nobody else is coming and nobody is going to interrupt our little get-together."

"You _dirty_ -"

"Quiet Fullmetal!"

"You should listen to him, Edward," she advised brightly. "Why don't you explain to him the situation, Roy?"

Ed snorted at the way she pronounced the Colonel's name.

"Who is she, Mustang, your ex-girlfriend or something?"

Roy mumbled curses under his breath. His bad feeling about this mission had been right, having this woman around was the most humiliating thing he ever experienced.

"I was sent under-cover to get information from _Vanessa_ here about her father, Thomas Hoffman. He's an alchemist who apparently can create voice-commanded time-bombs."

Ed flinched in surprise.

"What…? But that's…!"

"...impossible!" Al finished, equally shocked. "There's no such technology invented yet!"

"Not according to her."

"I say one simple sentence and the bomb activates," she said with an overly-confident voice. "I already explained I'm the only person who knows the deactivation code. However, I hope it won't come to this. After all, I have only two small requests and when we're done, we can all go home unharmed and happy."

Edward scowled. Mustang could tell from his focused expression that he was trying to figure out a way out of there, how to take the henchmen out, grab the Colonel and get the hell out of there, but there wasn't enough time to do so before Vanessa would activate the bomb. Not to mention the weapon she was aiming at the Flame Alchemist.

"What exactly do you want? Ransom? Revenge?" he finally asked, making a decision to stall for time, just like Roy did earlier.

"Oh no, nothing like that!" she waved her hand. "All I want is the truth from you, and a little favor."

This caught the Colonel's attention. She hadn't mentioned to Roy anything about getting a 'favor', but she did ask Ed. Why was she more interested in Fullmetal than Flame? Why was she interested in the first place?

"The truth? What are you talking about?" Ed kept a blank face, but Roy detected a bit of nervousness as he glanced at Alphonse. The suit of armor could show no expression, but it was easy to tell he was worried as well. Hopefully, Vanessa wasn't going to ask about the automail or human transmutation.

"What is your relationship with Roy Mustang?"

Ed's jaw dropped in a comic expression of disbelief. Roy almost laughed. Al dropped his hands and looked at his brother. For a while there was only silence, before the youngest State Alchemist regained enough of his composure to speak.

"Did she just say ' _me_ ', ' _relationship_ ' and ' _Mustang_ ' in the same sentence?" Ed asked with his eyes so wide they were ready to pop out of their sockets.

Alphonse couldn't help it any longer. He snickered. Roy's mouth twitched and formed a smirk. Ed looked between them with outraged embarrassment and blushed.

"Wha-?! Hey, quit it, Al!" he shouted, his cheeks only getting more red as Al's snickers turned into full-blown laughter. Al grabbed his midsection and leaned forward. "Quiet, Al, you _traitor_! And you shut it, Bastard!"

"I didn't say anything, Fullmetal."

"Awww, look how embarrassed he is!" Vanessa cooed with her sweet, fake grin.

"I'M NOT EMBARRASED!" The Fullmetal Alchemist screamed with his face flushed crimson.

"It's okay, Edward, you can tell me."

"There's nothing TO tell!" Ed snapped, glaring at her indignantly.

"There's no need to hide how you feel about your father!"

Ed recoiled like he was burned.

" **WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!** "

Al stopped laughing and looked at Vanessa with curiosity. "Wait, are you talking about…?"

"That's right. I know that Roy Mustang is, in fact, your..."

" **_...father?!_ ** " Ed screamed like she was completely insane… which was not too far from the truth.

Vanessa grinned. Nope, Roy still couldn't get used to to it. That grin was freaking creepy.

"All I want is the truth about you two, and after I hear it..." she nodded in the direction of one of the henchmen. The masked man stepped in the middle of the room. The boys took fighting stances, but all the man did was putting down a cardboard box on the floor. "...I want you to have this."

Ed didn't move from his spot. He scrutinized the box, trying to figure out what kind of dangerous weapon could be hidden inside. Was it the bomb?

"What's that?" Al asked anxiously.

"Just a present from me."

Ed looked at Vanessa skeptically.

"Why do I have a feeling your 'present' is going to kill me?"

"I assure you, it's not going to harm you," she promised, but it was hard to take her words as sincere with that fake grin.

"Let me get this straight. You kidnap the Colonel, you lure me here, and all you want to do is to ask me personal questions and give me a stupid box with Truth-knows-what inside?"

She nodded with teenage-girl enthusiasm. "Exactly!"

Ed blinked at her.

"…Lady, you're nuts."

"I couldn't care less about what you think of me, as long as you do what I ask," she replied cheerfully. "If you say the truth about yourself and the Flame Alchemist, and accept my gift, I'm going to let all three of you go, safe and sound."

"You promise?"

"Cross my heart!" She actually did it and smiled at him. Ed was certain now, this chick was just senile. She'd probably escaped from a mental hospital. He looked at Mustang quizzically, wordlessly asking what he was supposed to do.

"Just tell her the _truth_ , Fullmetal," the Colonel said seriously, looking him straight in the eye. The way he said the word 'truth' indicated that he was really trying to tell him: 'just make some crap up'.

"Oooookay..." Edward said slowly, wondering what exactly the deranged woman wanted to hear. "So, um, yeah, me and Mustang… How should I put this..." he looked at Al helplessly.

"...Brother and the Colonel are _secretly_ related!" said Alphonse quickly, looking between the two of them to make sure he said the right thing. Ed just put a pokerface on while Mustang slightly nodded in approval. "They, um, they don't show it very often, but when nobody's watching, they're behaving like a real father and son, too!"

"Really?" Vanessa's grin widened and her eyes glimmered and she soaked the information. She was really buying it, Ed thought in disbelief. Oh well, he might as well play along for now. He could beat her up later.

"Um, yeah, that's… exactly… how it is…" he forced a smile while in the back of his mind he growled and screamed and promised himself to insult the Bastard tenfold after they get out of here.

"The Colonel always takes care of Brother! They're totally a real family! Just nobody knows about it."

"We just appear professional when other people are around," Mustang added, smirking at Ed. "But it's hard to keep the charade sometimes when the pipsqueak acts like the little kid he is."

_Little?!_ Ed bit his tongue to hold back a rant. Why did the Colonel have to tease him _now_? They were supposed to play their parts, dammit!

"Why don't you officially admit that he's your son, Roy?"

"If I did that, he could no longer work alongside me. The best way to protect him is to have him in my command."

"Oh, I see."

It continued for a while and Ed was getting more and more flustered, even though they were lying through their teeth. Vanessa might have been insane, but she was certainly annoyingly inquisitive. She kept asking questions about their 'secret parental connection' (Ed felt like he was going to be sick) and she was especially pressing them for details of how they _felt_ about each other. Ed was starting to doubt if this was really worth it.

"So you _do_ love your father a lot, correct, Edward?"

Ed crossed his arms and looked away. Dammit, _why_ were his cheeks feeling so hot again? It must have been the temperature in this dusty warehouse. The ventilation system could have been busted. Yes, that was definitely it.

"He'd never admit it though." Al shook his head. Alphonse was watching Vanessa from the beginning, trying to figure her out. She didn't question him at all for some reason. She was only interested in Brother and the Colonel. Her strange familiarity, unsettling presence, fake smiles, noisy questions… He was slowly beginning to connect the dots.

"But it's alright," Roy said knowingly. "Fullm- Ed's very proud. Saying that he cares is like confessing a weakness for him."

For a moment Ed forgot that they were supposed to be acting.

"That's not true!" he protested. "I tell Al that I care all the time!" Mustang shrugged.

"That's different. You boys have known each other since you were toddlers, there is nothing you can hide from one another. But when speaking with adults, teenagers usually hide things they're not feeling comfortable with. You're not comfortable with admitting your feelings about anything. You want to show the world that you're strong, unstoppable, unbreakable."

"I'm not unbreakable," Ed denied, much to Roy's surprise. "I'm human. All humans have weaknesses. And I have emotions. I may not like to say them out loud, but it doesn't mean I don't acknowledge them."

"So, you acknowledge that you deeply care about Roy?" Vanessa interrupted them.

Ed grumbled something, too quietly to hear, but Roy thought he caught the words " _...doing this..._ " in the sentence.

"What was that? I can't hear you, dear."

"Remember why I'm doing this?!" he yelled, and then the paled, like he said something he wasn't supposed to.

Mustang was a bit confused for a second. This statement didn't reveal anything, did it? Vanessa didn't seem to notice, but Edward was definitely anxious. Roy thought about it, then it clicked. Ed was playing along to help him. Ed was lying about being his son, to please his crazy kidnapper. Ed was doing whatever it took to save him, and he did it _because_ he cared. And he involuntary revealed it in the heat of the moment.

A strange, unidentified, _warm_ feeling filled Roy's chest. He hid the first true smile he had on his face since this morning, while Ed covered up his slip-up:

"We were supposed to tell you about us, so there you have it! Now, will you just let the Colonel go, you crazy woman?!"

"Oh, but we're not done yet!"

"Yes. We. Are!" Ed brought his hands closer in a threatening manner. Roy hoped it would not come to this. One inch more and Fullmetal would use alchemy, probably causing destruction worth a good pile of paperwork.

Vanessa let out a sigh, seeming disappointed.

"Alright, alright, I can tell you're impatient." She gently bumped the gun on Roy's head, to keep Ed in line. "But you're still forgetting something."

All the eyes went to the mysterious box in the middle of the room.

"What did you put in there?" Ed asked suspiciously.

Vanessa looked smug. "You need to open it to find out."

"Why can't you just tell me?!"

"Because it wouldn't be a surprise!"

"DAMMIT, WOMAN! How do I know you didn't put explosives inside and they won't blow up in my face when I open the lid?"

Vanessa cocked her head in amusement. Roy was certainly worried now. He didn't like that look on her face. She was up to something. Her questions were innocent enough for a crazy lunatic, but what if she really did put something lethal in that box for Fullmetal? Alphonse didn't appear to be happy about this either.

"Brother, don't," he whispered quietly so only Ed could hear him.

"I got all I wanted from Roy," Vanessa said happily, moving her hand slightly to get everybody's attention back to her weapon. "Which means I could just shoot him without care, right? So just hurry up. I told you it's not going to kill you, but," damn that grin was freaky! "It's your choice if to believe me or not."

Mustang turned his head on the side by an inch and back, subtly telling Ed not to trust her.

"So what will it be, Fullmetal Alchemist?"

Edward Elric stared at the female captor, pointing a gun at Mustang's head. Four masked men were holding him down, making sure he wouldn't have a chance to escape, and four more were guarding the exit. The woman grinned at him like a predator ready to rip her prey to shreds. There was no other way. Ed took a deep breath.

"...okay. I'll do it."

Alphonse looked at him in horror.

"No, Brother!"

"Don't do it, Fullmetal!" the Colonel yelled, abandoning all subtlety for the sake of his subordinate.

Ed ignored them and stepped forward. Vanessa's grin widened. The Fullmetal Alchemist kneeled on the floor and picked up the cardboard box. He hesitated before opening it.

"Stop, Fullmetal, THAT'S AN ORDER!" Mustang screamed at him and tried to fight the men off, but their grip was too strong.

Edward opened the box and peeked inside, terrified as to what he was going to find inside. A moment of dead silence passed before he looked up and…

...laughed hysterically.

"Okay, okay, you got me, that was a good prank!" he told Vanessa with amusement. Then he raised his eyebrows. "Now seriously, where's the other box?"

Vanessa's grin didn't falter. Al wondered if her cheeks weren't hurting from keeping that expression for so long.

Ed slowly frowned and looked inside the box again.

"You're kidding, right?" He shook his head. "No way."

"I said all you need to do is _accept my gift_ ," Vanessa reminded him. "There's only one way of accepting it."

Ed's head shot up and his eyes widened in shock and rage. In a flash his face changed into a nasty scowl.

"NO WAY IN HELL!" he yelled so suddenly it caused Al to jump in surprise. "I'M NOT WEARING THIS!"

"What…? Brother, what did you get?"

Ed reached inside the box and pulled a blue bundle from it. He shook it firmly and it was revealed to be a military uniform, just like one the Colonel was always wearing in the office.

Roy was, honestly, dumbfounded. He expected something dangerous, a trap of some sort, or a challenge, even a bottle of milk! But a _uniform_?

"Where did she even get this?" he couldn't help but wonder out loud.

"It's custom made." Vanessa looked quite proud of herself. "It took me a while to figure out why the famous Fullmetal Alchemist refused to wear a real uniform. It could be because he wants to preserve his image as the Hero of the People, independent State Alchemist who is willing to help his fellow man, even if it goes against the military rules. It could be because he's rebellious and wants to express it thorough his unique style." _Unique, more like obnoxious_ , Roy thought with amusement. "It could be because he travels around Amestris where the uniform is impractical and gets unwanted attention. However, the true reason-"

"-is because the uniforms don't come in kid sizes," Roy interrupted.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A MINUSCULE LITTLE BEAN WHO'S NOT BIG ENOUGH TO EVEN PLAY A SOLIDER?!"

"The truth hurts sometimes, Fullmetal, but it's still the truth."

"You Bastard!"

"Are you done yet?"

"Not even close, you freaking useless wet match!"

"Brother, that's hardly fair. The Colonel doesn't have his gloves right now."

"Yeah, which makes him even more useless than he is in the rain!"

Mustang grumbled sullenly: . _..I'm_ **_not_ ** _useless…!_

"As fun as watching you bicker is," Vanessa reminded them of her presence yet again "That really isn't the point."

"Forget it!" Ed carelessly threw the uniform on the floor. "I'm not putting this on! You can't force me!"

Vanessa only grinned in response and pressed the gun against the Colonel's forehead.

"Um, I don't know, Brother, if that's all want she wants..."

"I'm not wearing this rag because that _mantis_ told me to! I'm not a dog!"

"Well, technically-"

"Don't even start, Mustang."

"All you need to do is to put it on," the woman told him patiently. "Just for a moment. That's all I'm asking. I don't care what you do with it afterwards."

"How do I know you're not lying!"

"Believe me, I'm not. That's the last thing I want you to do."

Ed boiled with anger inside. No way! Why was she asking this? How much humiliation did he have to go trough just to save Mustang's sorry butt? This was utterly ludicrous!

"Fullmetal, what is more important to you?" the Flame Alchemist suddenly spoke. "Your pride or the safety of everyone in this building?"

_Argh, dammit!_ Mustang was right. It wasn't about him or the crazy lady, it was about getting out of this situation alive. The Colonel was going to sooo owe him for this!

With an expression of a convict being led on his execution, Edward slowly took off his red jacket, put on the floor, picked up the blue uniform and slid it on.

" _There_ ," he spat. " _Happy_?"

"Oh, but you're not _wearing_ it! You have to button it!"

Ed's face was so red Roy wondered if he could fry eggs on it. Judging from Al's pose of arms on his hips, he concluded he was just as amused as he was.

The young alchemist clenched his jaw, but obeyed, using his left hand to put the buttons through holes and adjust the uniform on him. Just like Vanessa said, it seemed to fit him perfectly. And behold, here stood the Fullmetal Alchemist in a real military uniform, for the first and probably the last time in his life.

Before anybody could say anything, there was a loud 'CLICK!' and a flash, followed by a couple of other sounds. Ed looked around with shock to see all the henchmen who weren't holding Mustang had cameras in their hands.

"What?! _You never said anything about taking pictures!_ " Ed held his palms stretched out in front of his embarrassed face.

"Why else would I want you to wear it?" she asked rhetorically. Her expression screamed: 'I win!' and Ed wanted nothing more than beat the crap out of her.

"This wasn't in the deal!"

"No, but we're finally done here!" she exclaimed and lowered the gun. "I suppose you three want an explanation for this."

"DAMN RIGHT WE DO!"

"Ahhh!" Alphonse suddenly screamed and everybody looked at him. The armor pointed at the woman in realization. "I get it! I finally remembered who you are!"

"Who she is?" Ed repeated, bewildered. "Wait, Al, you've seen her before…?"

"Yeah, I couldn't recall when exactly… But those cameras! You're that reporter Brother refused to give an interview to a year ago!"

" _Reporter?_ " Mustang repeated incredulously. That had to be a mistake. There wasn't anything about Vanessa being a reporter in her profile!

"Interview? I don't remember anything like that!" Ed was confused as well.

"You brushed her off before she had a chance to ask any questions," there was a tone of familiar annoyance at his brother in Al's voice, "You left me behind to deal with her."

"That's right! I've been trying to get an interview with the Hero of the People for over a year now!" she grinned in an obsessed, frenzied way. "I tried to contact everybody you knew, but nobody ever wanted to even talk to me! Roy Mustang here turned down my requests for an interview seventeen times!"

"Wait, what?" the Colonel blinked in confusion. "I don't recall..."

"...seeing my name on paper? Well, you wouldn't. I was always going by an alias."

"You're not 'Vanessa Hoffman' either, are you?"

"Nope!" she giggled. "Real Vanessa Hoffman doesn't resemble me in the slightest. And her father? He's not even an alchemist."

Ed gaped in realization.

"Wait a damn second!" he shouted. "You mean those time-bombs weren't real at all?!"

"And my gun it 100% fake too!" 'Vanessa' threw her useless weapon away.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!"

"Woman, I don't care what your real name is, but when I'm out of here, I'm going to incinerate you," Roy growled.

"Ah ah ah! That wouldn't be such a good idea," she warned him with a cocky smile. "You see, after all, this was all just a military exercise."

"Military…?"

"...EXERCISE?!"

"Yup! I've got it right here," she pulled out a piece of paper from her pocket. She nodded at her henchmen and they released Mustang. Roy got up and brushed his clothes, then snatched the paper from her hands. He read the first couple of lines and his mouth opened in bemusement.

"This…!" he looked at her disbelievingly, like he prayed this was some kind of a joke. " **Fuhrer Bradley** signed this?!"

" _The Fuhrer?!_ " Al and Ed screamed in unison.

"The entire training mission was approved by the head of the military himself," 'Vanessa' confirmed smugly. "You can't lay a finger on me."

"But you knocked me out and kidnapped me!" Mustang protested furiously. "That's _way_ beyond standard training procedures!"

"Sorry, knocking you out was never a part of the plan. All the boys were supposed to do was to grab you and put you in the car. I guess somebody got _too much_ in character." The woman shot one of her henchmen a disapproving look. The masked man's shoulders slumped in embarrassment. "I'll make sure he sends you a recompense bill."

"But..." Al was at loss of words.

"You mean we went trough all of this trouble so you could just have a freaking _interview_ with me?!" Ed yelled and was about to leap forward to strangle the reporter, but like always, Alphonse held him back.

"And _most_ importantly, a picture of you in a uniform," she agreed completely seriously, pulling out a device that everybody recognized as an audio recorder. "I've been fishing for months, but you don't let anybody talk to you and never wear a uniform, so I was forced to resolve to drastic measures."

"You recorded it?! _You-_!" Ed tried to free himself from Al's grip but his dutiful younger brother wouldn't allow him to get into trouble. "But those are all lies! I was just saying all of that to save my superior officer from a deranged psycho!"

"You know nobody is really going to believe this, right?" the Colonel asked surprisingly calmly.

"It doesn't matter what they believe, I have my scoop now!" Her laughter sounded like of a mad scientist who just created his first successful monster. "I didn't tell you to lie, that was entirely your choice. Either way, I've got what I wanted and there's nothing you can do about it!"

"Al, let me punch her," Ed begged, trying to squirm out of his brother's hold.

"I don't think it's a good idea, Brother..."

"Just one time!"

"You could get in trouble if you do that! She got the permission from the Fuhrer!"

"How did you get him to sign this anyway?" Roy inquired, genuinely intrigued.

"I just bugged him util he agreed," 'Vanessa' got that horrifying predator grin again. "I promised to leave him alone if he let me to do an interview with you two."

Suddenly they imagined Fuhrer being stalked by the obsessive reporter everywhere and the three sweat-dropped. _Poor Fuhrer… No wonder she broke him._

"This setup was necessary, because you'd never give me this sort of information under normal circumstances."

"So you orchestrated my kidnapping just get an 'honest' answer from me and Fullmetal? I wouldn't say it worked."

"Oh, but you were much more open than you'd be otherwise! Wait until whole Central knows how wonderful of a relationship you two have in secret!"

This sounded so wrong in so many ways. Ed looked frantically for a ways to distract his little brother.

"Hey Al, look! A kitten!"

"Where, where?"

Ed ducked and escaped from Alphonse's arms.

"Brother, no!"

The Fullmetal Alchemist's metal fist smashed with 'Vanessa's' face and the woman fell backwards.

"Miss!" the henchmen screamed and run forward to help their employer.

'Vanessa' grinned one last time with now broken teeth.

"Still… totally… worth it..." she said before she passed out.

* * *

 

_The next day…_

* * *

 

"Sir! You're back!" Sergeant Fuery greeted the tired Colonel when he entered the office.

"How was your exercise mission?" asked Havoc, lighting up a cigarette.

Mustang looked appalled at his team. They heard about his mission?! Dammit, only Hawkeye was supposed to know! "You knew?!"

"We were only told you were about to participate in a fake kidnapping and we were not allowed to help you," Breda shrugged. "But it wasn't too bad, was it?"

Roy decided to let the question slip by and followed to his office, to start procrastinating his paperwork. Unfortunately with Riza waiting there for him, it wasn't an option.

"Welcome back, sir," she was with a suspicious amused glimmer in her eye. "Enjoyed your date?"

The Fame Alchemist groaned and fell on his chair.

"You could have warned me, Hawkeye."

"It wasn't an option, sir. I was specifically ordered not to let you know about anything."

"Did you fabricate Vanessa Hoffman's profile yourself?"

"No, I received it from a General. I wasn't told it was fabricated."

"Please tell me next time, even if it goes against orders," he said, gaining a raised eyebrow from the Lieutenant. "I have enough of crazy interview methods for a lifetime."

Riza was about to ask what he was talking about, but then the door slammed open.

"A report for you, Colonel!" Edward Elric marched into the office as loudly as usual.

" _No reporters!_ " Mustang barked on impulse.

"I said 'report'… geez, I didn't know you were so traumatized!" Ed mocked, putting the summary of his last mission on the Colonel's desk. "If anybody should be traumatized, it's _me_! I was forced to wear a uniform! A freaking uniform!"

"Where's Alphonse?"

"In the washhouse," Ed mumbled, very unhappy. "He thinks we should keep that rag as a memento. I don't see why he'd want to get it cleaned, because I certainly will never _ever_ wear it again!"

"Even if my life depends on it?" Roy teased and Ed adorably blushed.

"I didn't do it for _you_! I did it for Al! If that crazy bomb was real, we all would get blown up!"

"Sure, Fullmetal, if you say so."

"Shut up."

"I have a feeling I'm missing something here," said Hawkeye, puzzled.

"Never mind that, Lieutenant," Roy waved his hand. "But I have to say, Fullmetal, you did well, playing along when she demanded for us to make up that story. I know your father is a sensitive subject."

Ed rolled his eyes.

"It's not like we really talked about _that_ bastard. Honestly, I'd rather pretend-" he stopped with an expression of a deer caught in the headlights. "-I mean, making stuff up about you was just slightly more bearable than actually talking about me and Hohenheim. So, yeah, no problem."

Roy smirked. "I'm flattered, Fullmetal."

"Psh. Don't get too cocky. I still hate you."

"I know." Mustang pretended to be doing paperwork to hide a genuine smile that blossomed on his face.

* * *

 

The next week an article about the 'true relationship' of Colonel Roy Mustang and Major Edward Elric was published in ' _Voice of Amestris_ ' magazine. Of course, the story was so exaggerated nobody really believed it, but the rumors were running around for the next two months and the Flame Alchemist had to threaten more than a few civilians with incineration to scare other reporters away.

The article included the picture of Edward in a military uniform (his embarrassed expression was hilarious in Mustang's team opinion, but after a long violent rant from the enraged Fullmetal Alchemist they never spoke about it again), which won Edward Elric a lot more female fans than the young prodigy would like. But nothing could be done about it, as it was a well known fact that ladies _love_ men in the uniforms.

Despite Mustang's efforts 'Vanessa Hoffman' was never found, so she never tasted the wrath of the Hero of Ishval, much to both Roy's and Ed's dismay. However it is said that her teeth were never quite straight again. Which made Edward really happy.

Al kept the uniform as a memento, but just like Ed promised, it was never worn again. Which isn't surprising, considering how nobody else in the military shared his size. Years later it ended up in 'the Hero of the People National Museum', but its origin was never told to the public.

* * *

 

* * *

_The End_

**Author's Note:**

> In case you're wondering – yes, the entire point of this story was to force Ed to put on a uniform xD I know I'm crazy, but I don't care.
> 
> A lot of people inspired me in my creation of the 'Vanessa' character. In particular, my fellow writers - I can totally imagine you guys threatening Roy and Ed with a gun or an explosion just to have them admit their feelings. Oh don't act so innocent, you would! We love putting them in crazy/unusual situations to have the fluff and cuteness and parental adorableness. Vanessa is just the personification of our mutual obsession. Yep, essentially, I made fun of myself! :D
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope you had a good laugh :) Please review and bookmark, add kudos if you can, but most importantly – read on and enjoy!


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